My thoughts on Lord Of The Rings

Someone asked me this morning what I thought of The Hobbit and instantly regretted it. It all started all so innocuously, “Yeah, it’s okay” I said offering very little insight or artistic critique of what I’d seen. Then I felt it inside me, an eruption of anger, largely aimed at Peter Jackson and J.R.R Tolkien (who needs that many middle names) about the stupidity of  many aspects of the film. I’ve listed these below and will be happy to talk at anyone who thinks they might be incorrect (they’re not).

  1. Eagles – This is Tolkien’s get out system. It took 3 films, 7 hours to reach Mount Doom, yet a mere 4 minutes to return. In the Hobbit when times get tough who appears? Yep, you guessed it, the eagles. It kind of begs the question that if Gandalf is such good friends with them why did he ask them to take Frodo and the ring to Mount Doom and save countless lives and 6 hours 50mins of my time.
  2. Aragon’s Anger Issues – The guy’s a killing machine. In every film he kills at least 100 people, usually beheading them all without mercy or regret. But why? Has anyone considered why Aragon has such a clear conscience? Has anyone offered him councelling? Perhaps asked him if he’s okay and whether he might like a cup of tea to chat things through, and by the way, fancy a haircut?
  3. Bullying of the ginger short guy – I’m against discrimination, as is most of the rest of the world, or some of the world, okay, a few other people. But this is a film where the short ginger fat kid is made a fool of constantly and noone ever questions it…
  4. Hair Straighteners for Elves – It rains a lot in LOTR and The Hobbit, yet the Elves hair remains perfectly straight while the rest of middle earth look like they’ve walked through a hedge backwards…
  5. Walking & slow horses – Why does everyone insist on walking so slowly everywhere? I realise Eagle travel isn’t an option as Gandalf’s being a bit of a twat, but seriously, invest in some faster horses and this whole thing could be over faster than you could know. Or a car, I bet the elves have some, next to their hair straighteners.
  6. Sauron’s upset because he lives in the shit bit of middle earth.– Everyone hates him, but can you blame him, while everyone else lives in beautiful picturesque parts of middle earth with green hills, clear water and trees and fields he gets a constantly dark land filled with bogs and an active volcano. All i’m saying if he’d grown up in Cheshire he’d probably a nicer chap.Other things to consider…
  7. Why does Gandalf’s clothes never get dirty
  8. Noone ever blames Bilbo – after all he got everyone into this mess..
  9. Sense of direction – How many times do they get lost, in New Zealand, seriously buy a map.
  10. Why are the dwarfs not helping out… Where are they? Too busy eating meat and sitting in mines that’s where… Probably drinking… Which explains why they’re all so short.Please add any other thoughts in the comments below…
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