Things that make me cry or weepy (updated list):

  • Babies being born and handed to sobbing fathers/mothers/relatives
  • Outstanding sporting achievement against the odds
  • People passing away and everything that goes with that
  • Chipped goals by Lionel Messi against Real Betis
  • Not knowing what to do next at work
  • Having to ring the gas/electricity/council tax/broadband people
  • Any film that uses deliberately emotive music, often a string quartet, to indicate a character losing or gaining everything.
  • Puppies and kittens or really old dogs and cats.
  • Peaceful sleeping babies in documentaries fronted by Kathy Burke

I’ve been feeling a bit sad recently – it’s not just crying. There. Said it. I’ve been feeling a little bleak, a little miserable, occasionally quite anxious, not feeling great about myself, with niggling doubts and this dark fog that seems to drop down and cloud things around me. It’s not unusual. Sometimes I go through periods, where I feel sad and there’s no real reason for it. That’s what I tell myself – there’s no real reason – or that it’s a thing that just happens semi-regularly or, or… Or is there? Is there a reason why life feels hard?

I appreciate this is a little bit of a soul-crushing opening to a blog post – this is a bit of a post for me rather than you dear reader. So here’s the stuff that’s got in my head at the moment – some are rational, some are irrational, some are silly and some are sad.

  • Someone from work who I didn’t work closely with but who was always lovely and nice to me and was a good, moral, selfless, honest person passed away unexpectedly.
  • I’m feeling like I’m drowning a bit in work, but, unlike when it’s happened in the past, i feel stuck and inert in my ability to do anything about it.
  • My wrist hurts (insert wanking joke here) – it’s either Carpel Tunnel, a sprain or a minor break – but it hurts and is annoying.
  • My asthma cough has upped its game a bit.
  • I’m missing meals, getting distracted by things so not eating or drinking enough.
  • When I do gigs I can’t see anything good in what I do but at the same time miss gigs if I don’t do one. I consistently feel like I’ve let everyone else down.
  • I feel both exhausted and out of my depth.
  • I’m writing a story and I think it both might be good and also shit. I suspect noone will ever hear it and that I’ll never finish it because the voice that says “you’re not good enough” won’t shut up and I don’t feel like “a creative” – working in a creative organisation in a non-creative role is, incidentally, inadvertently terrible for creative confidence.
  • I’m obsessed with what happens when I die. Is it a void of blackness or what? I find getting to sleep each night hard as I don’t want to close my eyes and not see my other half again. I feel acutely that I have no faith – I don’t believe in God or Jesus or Allah or anyone really – I feel hollow for it and surprisingly alone – conversely though faith has to be found rather than told it’s there.
  • There’s no houses coming up for sale where we want to move to at the moment. It’s stressing me out – I took this big step and saw a mortgage advisor and felt ready and it’s ground to a halt with twatting-Brexit.
  • Achievements don’t make me feel good, just stressed and anxious that the only way is a steep descent. A sell out show or show doing well at work is the worst for this.
  • I’m worried I’m wasting my life – particularly with my career.
  • I’ve become incredibly broody – we watched a programme about babies being born and I had a cry all the way though.
  • When the gym stopped accepting upfront payment for using the gym and instead insisted that I get a direct debit. I was furious. Stormed out. Fuck them and there stupid system. I’ve now rejoined because all the other gyms are dicks too, but at least this gym is a dick within walking distance. I also only go swimming there.

Them, the things swirling in my head. When I write them down and think about them it feels easier somehow. I think about the solutions or remedies. But I also realise how quickly stuff can build up and overwhelm me if I’m not careful. I have ways of dealing with this stuff but if they start to slip or get sidelined then it turns into a house of cards on a windy day. I deal with this stuff by:

  • Regularly having a walk at lunchtime
  • Eating breakfast.
  • Having lunch and a break of at least 40 mins every day.
  • Finishing work at 6pm
  • Going swimming on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday to do 30 lengths
  • Taking my inhaler everyday.
  • Going to bed and to sleep before 11pm.
  • Only doing gigs when I can leave work early and go in my own time or on my own terms.
  • Gardening.
  • Cleaning my car.
  • Doing all my work invoices.
  • Having holidays
  • Having weekends with nothing on.