England V Ukraine

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Hello and welcome to my Football blog, keeping YOU, up to date with all the exciting moments of the game..

Pre Match – Well I’m excited… Are you? I might die from excitement. And in exciting pre-match news, it seems most of the England team are singing the National Anthem. They may not be singing the right song.. But they’re all singing. So that’s 1-0 to England then.

Pre Match Adverts – A brilliant cameo from Chris Kamara. I’m not going to lie, probably the best thing that’s going to happen this evening. Hilarious and clever. You have to admire the tenacity of the man.

Camera Man Perving Report  – So far I think we’ve seen every woman with breasts in the football ground. To be honest this match mightn’t be so bad. I can’t help but think that anyone watching this game would believe that this is a sport predominately watched by women, perving on excessively groomed men. How wrong they’d be…

First Half Summary – England have the ball briefly, Rooney misses a sitter, clearly it’s not going to be his night, we’ve barely touched the ball. God this is depressing, we should never play football again, I hate sport, are we even good at any? Cricket, I’m going to watch cricket instead. Rooney can piss off, ruining our summer.

Second Half Break – Less adverts with Wayne Rooney, how the  mighty have fallen. I can’t help but think that Roy Keane looks like he wants to beat up Gareth Southgate, I wish Alan Shearer was there, then we could see some hardman violence, that’d make my day, and make this game much more interesting, Old Pro Footballer, Celebrity Death Match.

Second Half  – So kick off, and FUCK ME Rooney’s scored.

GOAL! ENGLAND 1 – 0 – I’ve always believed in the lad, what a hero, admittedly my Gran could have scored it and suddenly the travelling supporters are looking nervously around them at the 45,000 Ukranian fans but, hey, who cares, I’m now a big football supporter again. Cricket? Shitit more like…

Second Half (cont…) – Rooney’s away again and, well, kind of runs out of steam, but still, something’s happening now, this isn’t what’s meant to happen in England games, they should be filled with disappointment and misery, with the occasional swearing at the TV from your Dad claiming he could have got it in (he’s 60…)…

Suddenly the cameraman fixation with attractive Ukrainian women has gone. So action on the pitch is a double edged sword…

Second Half Lull…  – I can’t quite decide whether I really want us to progress in Euro 2012, because although I want my country to win, I also would love to see John Terry fail, and ideally cry… Presumably if we did go out of the competition at this point John Terry would instantly change into a suit and tie and pretend he wasn’t involved in the game at all…

Have the Ukraine just scored – Let me take back everything I’ve just said about John Terry. What a hero. Admittedly he’s still a tit, but a footballing hero. Yes as it turned out Ukraine did score, the ball went over the line, so it’s okay, JT is a tit again, a cheating tit, but one who has kept England in the competition…

England nearly score, but don’t – I think my titles for these sections aren’t imaginative enough OR inspire the imagination. Essentially a great break by England after Ukraine were robbed missed in a terrible twist of fate, England had an attack grind to a halt again after Scott or Scotty Parker fell over. Some grass. FELL OVER. SOME GRASS. Poor him.

Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. – Some passing is happening now…

Ashley Cole shoots! – After a stunning little cut back from reliable workhorse James Milner the resulting cross falls to Cole who shoots wide. Does anyone remember when Milner wasn’t a reliable workhorse but was a thrilled teenager who terrorised defences as a 17 year old at Leeds. Where did it all go wrong…

Return Of The King – Shevchenko is on the pitch. Suddenly the camera cuts to pictures of children screaming in delight, women crying with joy and men saluting. They do know he’s in his late 60s with two replacement hips and a taste for custard creams?

Ukraine get close, again. – Ukraine are playing very well, creating chance after chance without getting it in the back of the net. If we get anywhere in this competition it’s going to be down to fluke, pure and simple, and bless it, that’s the English way. The first team to win the Euro’s by accident anyone? Oh and more kicking of the ball. Writing about football is hard… Now someone’s fallen over.. I can’t spell his name. Oh yes, Young.

Apparently Milner has gone off. Missed that one. He’s such a noticeable player, a real creative flair player. On comes Walcott…

YELLOW CARD – Ashley Cole has a yellow card for time wasting. The commentator says “I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt him”. It’s a well known fact that cards can sometimes turn into ghosts and wander the halls of England hotels and Chelsea players houses…OOoooooo

Ukraine shoot from 40 miles away – In a new tactical innovation the Ukrainian players have tried to shoot at the England goal from further and further away, Sheva is now shooting from 40 miles away… I can’t help but think it’d be easier shooting closer to the goal, maybe I should offer my advice to the manager…

Carroll is on… – “There are things he can’t do, but there are thinks only he can do” ITV commentary – LIKE MAGIC??? Or BALLOON ANIMALS???

Ukraine have take up residency outside England’s Box. – Which is a little close to be honest, I can see an embarrassing own goal, or Ashley Cole conceded penalty coming… This feels weird, usually I’d be waiting from a horrendous moment from the goalkeeper but no, he’s probably the player least likely to make a mistake… (famous last words)

The OX is here. – What a nickname. Rooney’s coming off, which is probably for the best to be honest, he’s not been at his sharpest, maybe could have had a hat-trick if he was wearing a Man Utd shirt, but he’s not, he’s wearing the debilitating man made fibres loaded with expectation of the harsh nation of England.

Another shot of a girl smiling – probably the only smiling Ukrainian in the stadium… In fairness, England fans have not much to smile about, unless you’re a fan of last ditch defending and giving the ball away cheaply…

Nearly an Arsenal breakaway – Young Alex OC looks like a smart player, quick, great touch, just a shame he didn’t manage to thread a nice ball through to Walcott who was through on goal..

Just wide? – I’d love to know what makes a shot “just wide”, is it an inch, a foot, maybe a mile. Every time Ukraine have a shot it’s “just wide”, I imagine if it had gone any higher it may have gone behind him…

ALERT – Sunburn Dancing Supporter – Is there a bigger omen for England crashing to defeat than a Sunburn Dancing Supporter, bright red and drunk…

Apparently not – So that’s all folks, we won, up the Ingerland… A great game and I’d love to say the best team won, but they didn’t… HOWEVER, France are losing 2 – 0… Excellent..

Night Folks! Oh and please comment below, tell me what you think! Should i comment on the next game?

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